The day which frightened me most in School and College Days more than Examination periods is Very First Day of the school opening after summer holidays and in engineering period, after each semester break.
In schools, as far as I remember I experienced my worst speech scenario was in 8th standard. I still remember vividly, it was the beginning day of my 8th grade when I woke up in morning; my mind started reminding me of the previous year’s first day stammering situations. It was all worst, I mean really BAD. So I started thinking of excuses to bunk the day/ to take a day off from school. I tried convincing my mother, throwing stomach pain as a reason, it didn’t work out; she never did listen to those silly matters in my entire school life. I guess she knew when it was a real problem and when it was a fake problem, I think a mother always knows their child. All other reasons projected by me were an ultimate failure and there I was in front of the mirror combing my hair and getting ready for school, highly unwilling to attend the first day of class from every nook n corner of my heart. Meanwhile, my brother Darshan was getting ready to drop me off at my school on his way to college in motor-scooter.
On the way to school, I was sitting with a pale face, my hair remains still despite wind blowing; my whole body felt like it was made up of some hard stones. Finally, we reached my school (Fatima High School, Hubli, India). My legs started shaking, the hand was still in movement, my eyes were little moist and my brain was locked up itself the in the strange dark room and felt like lost in the infinite loop. Then I said 'goodbye' to my brother and continued my journey toward my classroom from the school entrance gate. I entered the class and glanced the entire class once, there was a mixed scenario. I can spot some students were vivaciously talking to others, some spotted with fear just like me and some were trying to talk with girls (with shy/hesitation). Ah..!! Finally, I searched my friends in class Manoj, Deepak, and few others, and then I relaxed, for a moment. I forgot about my fear and caught in the act of laughter in the good friend's circle who were aware of my stuttering problem from a long time.
(P.S: When I’m in my close Friends circle, I forgot all my stuttering problems for a while including fear-tension. I’m lucky to bless with many-many friends despite being stammer.)
Finally, School bell rang, a teacher entered the class then something suddenly with speed of light flashed into my head and reminded me of my Dark Fear of Speech. The teacher was a lady and she introduced herself as Ms. Matild and next moment she asked front bench boy to introduce himself. At that moment, my heart beat raised, it started beating as if heart gone blast in next second, some strange power/fluid started raising right from my toe to end strands of hair, exhaling heat from my body and I started to practice in my head to pronounce my name correctly. I was reminded by my conscious mind that I always get stuck in the word “CHA”. Back to my ongoing class scenario, less than a minute, my front bench students were introducing themselves and as that row finished it entered my row. Now my heart beat is reached at a maximum possible level, my mind was filled with mess and I felt like brain dead for next moment. Finally, my turn came, I stood up with shaky legs like an aged man, my eyes didn’t make contact with a teacher; they just looked upwards trying to avoid eye contact with others and I begin to pronounce my name and it went like this:
“My name is Cha……. Cha….Cha…. Chan……..” I paused for a second and tried again "Cha…..Cha…. Cha……" stuck again.
(My negative inner voice piffled “You Can’t Say….you can’t Say your own Name… you are a loser like always.”)
All students are staring at my face including girls; I tried to avoid eye contact with them and started pronouncing my name again “Cha……Cha……. Chan…..” then suddenly my friend who is seated next to me shouted its “CHANDAN” and suddenly my confidence level restrained in a fraction of seconds, my mind became conscious and I blabbered next second “CHANDAN”. Huh….!! I was relaxed for a while, and then I looked into the crowd and saw some students were talking to each other about my stammer or may be something else, some directly looking into my eyes with loads of questions that they needed answers for.
Then the teacher asked me to try telling name once again…Oh..!! God!!, now it’s more painful than drinking eating poison. Huh….?!! I tried again “Cha….Cha….Cha….” I shook my face and moved my hands to relax a bit... huh.!! nothing really worked, I was standing there stuck again with my Stammering Act and my mind became completely blank as if some strange dark feather is covering my white positive energy. Later, I just stood and started staring at the teacher, I suppose she was wondering who the hell this guy is? Then after all mental imbalance and shuttering I somehow finally managed to tell my name in slow tone “CHANDAN”. And next statement goes like this - my hobbies are Drawing, playing Cri….cri….cricket, reading boo…books, Mo. Mo…model making. I came from St.M-m-m-Mary’s Ka… Ka…ka… Kannada medium school.
Like this, I finished my first period of the very first day of school. Next period was "Geography" subject, I heard from my seniors of the same school that person who takes the subject is very strict, short temper and yells at student unnecessarily at a times. As the normal situation, he came to class and introduced himself as Mr. Joseph Das and as usual like any other teacher he asked all students to introduce themselves one by one. Again, I went through the same situation as above. This time fear was possibly more than any other time because my subconscious mind already heard of his anger even for the slightest mistake. When my turn came, as usual, I got stuck in word “Cha..” but to my surprise, he asked me to come in front of the class and shook my hand. That was the best act done by any teacher to me till date, that actually did relieve my tension and I was able to pronounce my name without much stuttering. He did act well with me… geez… seriously like the genuine teacher. He knows how to handle a student who is in fear of public speaking or a student with speech impedance, that’s what, more than 25 years of teaching experience adds to his bucket of knowledge in academic as well as in social behavior. Although Students rumor was not false, it proved to be 50-70% true in later days.
My very First Day of college beginning was also I had experienced somewhat similar situations. In Engineering studies, beginning day, I spoke somewhat surprisingly well on my First semester, the First day, at the age of 18. That is maybe because at that point of time I was undergoing speech therapy. As I entered my Mechanical branch in the 3rd semester I started bunking first 3 days or first full week classes. I’m sure you all figured out by now, why I bunked? From 3rd semester to 8th semester I haven’t attended the first week of my college. Yes, that's right! I am afraid to say my name in front of large group of students/audience/ strangers. I think most of my friend has thought I simply bunked the classes and they tagged me as 'Bunking guy' in my class. When I look back and think of school days, I was so punctual and used to attend every single class. But now it is totally opposite to what it was; I hardly attend classes (and funny thing is that my mind doesn’t feel ashamed of it).
I think Everyone has their own style of communication. Some speak fast and some speak slowly. Each individual is different and each individual develops their own unique way of communicating with the people/society, likewise, I have my own style.
I will conclude with a note “My stammering is My Accent” or rather "Mm-mm-my St-st-st-stammering is M-m-my Acc-acc-accent".
